Wednesday, January 30, 2019

I Need Answers... And Maybe An Apology.

Hey friends!

Long time since I even fired up the laptop. Lots of stuff is going on in the Botkin hacienda at the moment. We recently moved into an amazing townhome. After almost a year of looking at numerous homes that made us drool, (thank you SO much John and Jen!!) and after many sleepless nights trying to decide whether we should buy or rent, we finally voted and renting won the debate. I, personally, have been a renter all of my life; it's what I know. I know how to live the renting life. My husband has been a renter since we began living together some twenty-eight years ago, so he now knows the renting life. We are not that young anymore, and dealing with things that could possibly go wrong if we had bought, were the key points that helped us make our decision to rent a home vs. buying one.

When we decided to rent, we began looking immediately. The very first home that we saw, we fell in love with. Turns out, the landlord really liked us, too. A lovely couple, with two young boys. Two days later, we got the news we had been wanting to hear for over twenty-some years: "You got the house!"

A funny thing happened to us; as thrilled as we all were with this news, privately, all four of us were sad. Hours after I heard the news, in a moment of rare privacy, I sobbed. As much as I complained about our apartment, and the lack of space, privacy, the problems with mold/Health Dept/Maintenance, I felt lost. Perhaps I was weeping out tears of joy, tears of relief. I'm sure that was a part of it; most of it. But suddenly, memory after memory began flooding my mind.

Bringing day-old Alex home from the hospital during a wicked thunderstorm.
That same night, to quell a very jealous big-brother, I let Aaron, who was almost two months shy of his fourth birthday, make a pizza. It was a hot mess, but he was having a ball and loved his "PEETZEE"

Aaron getting ready for his first T-ball game. It was so hot!  His little red face wet with sweat as he played. Me, following his little toddling brother all over the outer field.  I despise being hot. But I loved watching Aaron play and getting Alex to settle down with a cool drink.

Getting our first computer. Rob's sister had one that she wasn't using, so she gave it to us. I remember being so nervous when we finally got our dial-up router working. I suddenly felt like the world was going to be able to see me. The joy of downloading AOL (anyone remember Sketti0?) and joining all of the neat chatrooms: Parent Soup! Wav Chat!  I met my first internet friend at Parent Soup. (Hi, gk2t!)  All of the silly wavs!  I spent so many hours playing those things in the chatroom with my new chatroom buddies. Rob would just shake his head as I sat at the computer laughing myself into a tizzy over fart wavs.

You get the picture.

All of my memories with my family lived in the apartment.  How could I leave them? I know, they'll travel with me wherever I go, but I do feel as if I'm leaving part of my heart there.

   And here we are, a month later. We LOVE our new home. I love my front and backyard. I love planting! That's been my connection to inner peace. I think it helped me make my transition to living in a new place easier. I haven't really done any real gardening since I lived in Northwest Park! I'm really not supposed to be doing strenuous stuff, but I find that I get so lost in it. I really do feel great when I'm digging up the soil and making my tiny corner of the world a bit prettier. It sounds hokey, but I do feel like I am drawn to nature. I love getting my hands dirty. I feel like Mother Earth guides me.  I am happy when I am outside. I'm happiest when I am gardening. When I am in pain, I try to go outside and at least watch the birds. There are so many birds here! I even wake to the sound of fledglings yelling at their parents for help.
“So many people throughout my life have told me who I am, what I must do, what I can’t do, what I have to complete, and what I will never be able to accomplish…and then I met the Goddess.”
— Amythyst Raine Hatayama

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