Monday, November 25, 2013

Blessings and Cleaning

I really don't know where to begin or how to.   I have spent a lot of the past few years in search of myself. There's an opening!  Sounds hokey. Mkay. In some ways, perhaps it is. I haven't known who I am spiritually for many, many years. I won't go too deeply into that because, to me, that is very personal. I have not felt spiritually home since I left my parent's home, and even then, I really didn't have any sense of spritual belonging to any affilation, even then... or really ever.

I am not a fan of labels, and I am not a believer in organized religion. I have seen a lot of things that make me go, "Wow... really." Recently, and in the past. That's partially why I was so ... lost.

I know what I feel, and I know what makes me whole. I always have. Still, it has taken me almost twenty-five years to find my inner peace, though. I'm just glad I did. I'm home now, and it feels wonderful.

It has taken years of seeing lots of bullshit to get here. Experiences in my past with my loved ones and friends, discussions with my late father. Thinking about what he always said to me when I felt like I was ambling aimlessly makes total sense now. I know if he were here today, he'd be happy for me.

The past year has been a hard one for me, and for my family. Again, I'll keep it to myself, but while things are still great, we've had our obstacles. I have had more health issues and another painful surgery and recovery and that's just the tip of the emotional iceberg. All of this has given me a lot of time to myself. Time to think. Things I used to care about I no longer allow to fill my head. It's usless to waste my time on it. Petty crap that used to clog my sense of self now no longer pains me. I really am picking my battles these days. I choose not to allow things to cloud my vision.  I believe that I have always been a kind, compassionate, passionate, accepting person. I still am. Now, I can be, even moreso. I no longer allow people to drain me. I no longer allow people that are toxic to poison me. I have, in a sense, cut away the fat that is weighing me down. I am not a kid anymore. While I do still have a lot of fun, I do know now that a good chunk of my life is behind me. It's time to actually wear the big-girl panties, now (I still buy them at Victoria's Secret, but ... well, you get the drift).  Instead of fighing to keep my youth, I am now accepting who I am becoming. It's not that bad, really. I rather like who I am.

In the past year, I have met people that have really touched me. For whatever reason, or how these meetings came to be, I firmly belive that every single one has occured for a reason. I've met young people that have brightened my life.  I have met older people that season who I want to become. I have been a part of some pretty incredible things. I completed this year's NaNoWriMo.  A few days past last year win.  I'm pretty damn proud of myself. Again, I think I owe a big THANK YOU to the friends I have met along the way. You know who you are. If it were not for you, I would have given up.

I have also seen sorrow.  I have seen people I adore going through scary things. People that were once so close and dear to me, I have watched them go down hellish paths. It hurts so much knowing that sometimes, no matter how much you try, nothing you can do will help. I miss these people. Painfully so. Sometimes it really angers me. One can only do so much, and then it's up to the other person to fix themselves. Still, it hurts to see their circles suffer. That too has been a true eye-opener for me. Lately, every little thing I experience is a lesson.

I learn daily who I want to be. Who I don't want to be. What I'm capable of. There is a saying...

To me, that basically says it all.

I don't - again - know why I felt compelled to jot this down. To be totally honest, I'm having a real shit day. Nothing is going right. But, I know to stop and take a breath. A deep breath. I remember; I am grateful. I'm always grateful for what I have, for what I've learned. I'm thankful for my friends and family and that I am finally at peace with a lot of stuff. I take the time to focus on what is cloudy and accept what I find.  It's made me a much better person.  

So, here I am. And here I'll stay.

Was lost. Now, I'm found.


I'm home. 

Blessings For A Happy Thanksgiving!

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