I learned many moons ago - the hard way - to never hold anger inside. I used to. All the time. One day, something (probably something really stupid and petty) set me off. My reaction was not pretty. It almost cost me my marriage. I could have lost my children. That was a major turning point in my life. Since that day, I have never - no matter how petty the reason - held ire inside. All it does is fester, grow mold, spoil, and sour until it grows so intense, it pours out at the smallest provocation.
That does not mean that I now get mad all the time. Quite the opposite. When things don't go my way, or things happen to me, or to my family, I deal with them. Immediately. I have a clearer head. I don't have anger from previous occurrences to add fuel to my ire. It's amazing how dealing with things as they happen makes dealing with the big issues a lot easier.
From the time I was ill back in 2008, I have tried to be a kinder person. I have always been a kind person, but I did have a bit of a mean streak. I do believe that there is good in everyone. Everyone. I now lean toward giving people a chance. Ask my family. My husband will tell you that I am a trusting, kind 'people person.' I am. I want to always start a conversation with a total stranger. I am the person that will try to get a checkout clerk to smile. If they don't, well; I tried. Didn't someone once say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile? Turn that frown upside-down?
Shit on it.
Today, this nice person is feeling a bit bitter. I'm tired. I'm in a lot of pain. I'm tired of being in pain. I am annoyed. People are irritating me. I usually don't let people bother me. Some people are just becoming toxic to me, now. I am angry that I cannot help my husband that works himself sick - without ever complaining - by working myself. People who do not know me (and some that do and assume) or my situation take it upon themselves to point out that I'm not working. No, I'm not. The reasons are valid. I don't need to validate them to these people. Still, it really hurts when all is said and done. I know I should not let these people get to me.
So yeah, I'm having a shitty day, today. I'm wondering when things will get better. I am trying to come to terms with many things and it's not easy. I'm tired of a lot of things. I am seriously trying to clean my language. Today, I really don't give a shit. I do apologize. Hold on. No, I don't. I want to be happy. Sure things are not always the way I want them, but I have always tried to be happy from within my means. Sometimes, I just get tired of it. I don't think I'd be doing myself any great justice in denying that occasionally I truly dislike certain aspects of my life. I do what I can to change it, with an optimistic smile on my face, 90% of the time. Sue me for frowning at the remaining 10%.
Thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for your shoulders. We all need to vent. We all need to yell. We all need to scream a few expletives now and then. I am learning as I age not to take crap. Life is so short, and I don't want to have to deal with things. I want to do things, not deal with them. I want to like and love people, not tolerate them. I don't deal with toxic people anymore. I really don't. I'm done trying to fix people. I am finished taking crap. It's not worth my precious time to try to figure out why I'm not liked by a particular person. I'm done. Screw them. Their loss.
Wow. I feel better, already. Seriously.
Thank you for reading. I am going to go outside, take a deep breath, smile and go hug my husband.