Monday, July 23, 2012

Venting.

I learned many moons ago - the hard way - to never hold anger inside.  I used to.  All the time.  One day, something (probably something really stupid and petty) set me off.  My reaction was not pretty.  It almost cost me my marriage.  I could have lost my children.  That was a major turning point in my life.  Since that day, I have never - no matter how petty the reason - held ire inside.  All it does is fester, grow mold, spoil, and sour until it grows so intense, it pours out at the smallest provocation.

That does not mean that I now get mad all the time.  Quite the opposite.  When things don't go my way, or things happen to me, or to my family, I deal with them.   Immediately.  I have a clearer head.  I don't have anger from previous occurrences to add fuel to my ire.  It's amazing how dealing with things as they happen makes dealing with the big issues a lot easier. 

From the time I was ill back in 2008, I have tried to be a kinder person.  I have always been a kind person, but I did have a bit of a mean streak.  I do believe that there is good in everyone.  Everyone.  I now lean toward giving people a chance. Ask my family.  My husband will tell you that I am a trusting, kind 'people person.'  I am.  I want to always start a conversation with a total stranger.  I am the person that will try to get a checkout clerk to smile.  If they don't, well; I tried. Didn't someone once say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile?  Turn that frown upside-down? 

Shit on it.

Today, this nice person is feeling a bit bitter.  I'm tired.  I'm in a lot of pain.  I'm tired of being in pain.   I am annoyed.  People are irritating me. I usually don't let people bother me.    Some people are just becoming toxic to me, now.  I am angry that I cannot help my husband that works himself sick - without ever complaining - by working myself.  People who do not know me (and some that do and assume) or my situation take it upon themselves to point out that I'm not working.    No, I'm not.  The reasons are valid.  I don't need to validate them to these people.  Still, it really hurts when all is said and done.   I know I should not let these people get to me. 


So yeah, I'm having a shitty day, today.   I'm wondering when things will get better.  I am trying to come to terms with many things and it's not easy. I'm tired of a lot of things.   I am seriously trying to clean my language.  Today, I really don't give a shit. I do apologize.  Hold on.  No, I don't.  I want to be happy.  Sure things are not always the way I want them, but I have always tried to be happy from within my means.  Sometimes, I just get tired of it.  I don't think I'd be doing myself any great justice in denying that occasionally I truly dislike certain aspects of my life.  I do what I can to change it, with an optimistic smile on my face, 90% of the time.  Sue me for frowning at the remaining 10%. 

 Thank you.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for your shoulders.  We all need to vent.  We all need to yell.  We all need to scream a few expletives now and then.   I am learning as I age not to take crap.  Life is so short, and I don't want to have to deal with things.  I want to do things, not deal with them.  I want to like and love people, not tolerate them.  I don't deal with toxic people anymore.  I really don't.  I'm done trying to fix people.  I am finished taking crap.  It's not worth my precious time to try to figure out why I'm not liked by a particular person.  I'm done.  Screw them.  Their loss.

Wow.  I feel better, already.  Seriously.  

Thank you for reading.  I am going to go outside, take a deep breath, smile and go hug my husband.

Peace.

10 comments:

  1. be true to you...you don't need aggravation. it's nobody's business but your own whether or not you work, and it's nobody's life but your own. you have valid stuff going on, and just because it's not visible to the outside world doesn't make it any less valid. love yourself, love your husband, love your kids (i know you already do!). love those who matter to you. do what matters to you. don't waste energy on people who do nothing but sap your spirit. i'm like you - getting too old to care what people think of me. i'm the one who has to be at peace when i go to sleep at night. *stepping down off soapbox now - glad there was room up on yours for me to join you!* {{{hugs}}}

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  2. Bestie, you know that there will always be room for you on my soapbox. Funny, I know all of what I said, what you said to be true. I guess I have trouble accepting that it is okay to get angry. I concentrate my positive vibes on those that matter, and don't give another thought to those that don't. Thank God I don't have to please everyone; I used to strive for that. It truly does suck the life out of you when you try. Thank you, Donna. ILY!

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  3. Hang in there. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I am somewhat the same way. I want everyone to like me but it seems that all some want to do is judge us. Somebody sould inform these people that judging is not their place. I wonder sometimes if these same people have ever thought that when the true judgement comes that they will have to explain why they did this. I still occaisionaly get upset when others make a remark that is hurtful or is meant to put me down or make me feel bad. Jim always tells me that the reason that these people are being so petty is cause they are jealous. & it takes a bigger person to just laugh it off & go on. In most casese, I believe him. Now go sit outside for a while & enjoy Robs company.

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  4. Thank you, Peggy. Jim's right, but still... {{hugs}} Thanks for reading! ♥

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  5. Some people are toxic and I have personally dealt with those people by removing them from my life. It's tough when some of those are "part of your family" through marriage. I just... "How's the weather" with them. These are the people that will take cheap shots every chance they get. It is because they are unhappy. It's ok to remove the venomous from your life. It is not ok for people to make you feel the way you do right now. It's ok to get things off your mind. I personally believe it is healthier that way. It is not ok for them to hurt you the way they have. You have no one to answer to as to why you do not work. I have found a lot of people, women in general, are really worried about why some of us do not work. It is none of their business. You don't need to be sick or injured. You and your husband have decided that between the two of you. Again, I think they are just jealous and love to try to make us feel guilty. Don't let them ruin your minute, hour, or day. I love your photography. I love your blog. These are your jobs. Go do what you do best and the hell with them.

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  6. Thank you SO much, Linda. You are so right. I need to get over the 'just because these toxins are related to me, I must deal with them, anyhow' thing. I does sadden me a bit to cut these ties, but in the long run, it's for the best. {{{Hugs}}} I'm glad we've 'met' through blogging, Linda! ♥

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  7. I empathize, on both the pain issue and the negative people one. Several years ago, I purged as many of those "psychic vampires" from my life as I was able. Granted, it's harder to do with family members, but you can (with effort) let their criticism roll off your back. How you live is NOT their business! Love you

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  8. I totally...Totally relate to this mann !
    you write real well..really loved it :)

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  9. i totally..Totaaly relate to this mann !
    you really write well...actually love this :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Jayanti! Thank you so much for stopping to read. You've made my day. :)

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