Sunday, July 26, 2015


It's almost 3 a.m. and I am in my recliner as my pain meds wear off.  Duke just went to sleep with his "baby," the very first toy we bought for him when we brought him home from the shelter. It's the only toy that he's not totally destroyed in a manner of minutes. Yeah, it's pretty gnarly, now, but most "lovies" are, in that they are LOVED.

As I shared with you a few days ago, Duke may have a brain disorder that makes him suddenly become violent -Sudden Onset Rage syndrome.  Well, he hasn't had an episode in a long time, now.  AND, he is becoming more attached to ME.  Because I am not well, Rob and the boys are the ones that have primarily taken Duke out for walks and to play.  I hate that.  He's my dog.  Okay, he's all of ours, but we got him for me, because of my illnesses and depression that came about due to my illnesses and what they've done to me and my family. So, it's wonderful that he's finally truly bonding to me.

He just spent the past 40 minutes cuddling with me in the recliner.  Just before that, I did his dental care - he LOVES it. I Love Pet Head Brush Your Teeth!  wipes.  They have  peppermint oil and you wipe his gums and teeth with them!  Duke LOVES to chew on them and I very carefully watch him to make sure that he doesn't eat them.  He never does.  He actually brings them to me, then plays a gentle "tug of war" with me, letting the wipes really scrub.  I'm amazed that he allows me to take over and wipe his back teeth and gums, but he just sits there and lets me do it! I then gave him his favorite - ice - to rinse and allow him to further clean.  That's when he snuggled with me. We now have daily ritual that began about two weeks ago.

Weather and pain permitting - and I really try to ignore the pain- I take Duke out to pee, then we sit on the grass at the end of our apartment building that faces the boys' room .  It's a nice area, thick with green grass that he loves to snack on, with a clear view of the parking lot.  I take him out about twenty minutes before Rob is due to pull up into the parking lot. Duke will now get antsy around the time I take him, as if he's reminding me that it's time to go wait for daddy.

We sit and Duke nibbles on grass and does his silly "roly-poly" thing, scratching his itchy skin.  I scratch his belly and talk to him. We hang out..  Then Duke will sit up, right next to me, and watch the parking lot.

"Who ya waitin' for, silly boy?" I ask.  He straitens up. Soon, he sees our silver car and his tail begins wagging.  I have him on a leash at all times. I'm not comfortable with letting him off of it, and Howard County does have a leash law. Rob gets out of the car and Duke fidgets. I let go of the leash. Duke remains at my side until Rob says,


Dukes flies across the grass and runs a circle around Rob, runs back to me, around me, and back to Rob where he then jumps up onto him for a big kiss and a belly scratch. Rob just found out that he has a herniated disc, so now he really has to be careful, but he says it's so hard because all he wants to do is to squat down and tackle Duke like he used to. We then sit in the grass and talk about our day. All three of us look forward to this time.

Again, Duke has not had an episode in a long time.  We will still get him evaluated, but for now, I'm taking this bonding to heart and eating every bite of it.  My dog loves me.  He's proving it more and more every day.  Such a good feeling.

Until next time,


Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Ramblings of A Painsomniac: The Countdown Begins

This Thursday I'll be having surgery to remove the faulty bladder sling that has ruined my body, as well as two other procedures.  Never in my life have I ever wanted a surgery so much. I'm like a kid excitedly counting down the days on an advent calendar until Santa Claus comes, The pain I'm enduring goes from bearable to horribly bad.So bad, that my sleep patterns have completely turned around. I don't sleep at night.  I "go to bed" around 9 am and sleep for maybe 4 hours.  I'm on really potent pain meds that I honestly fight myself to take.  I finally confided my fears about this to my GP. I am taking Percocet 10mg.  That's a pretty hefty dose and a really strong opioid.

 I hate taking it.

 I saw my father become addicted to Percodan when I was young (the only difference between these two medications is that Percodan also contains aspirin).  I fear that I'll too become addicted.  I won't go into the discussion I had with my physician, but he heartily reassured me that I do not have an addictive nature. I don't know about that since I smoked cigarettes for 30+ years. Still... I hate taking the medication.  But, I also hate being in so much pain.

As time gets closer to my surgery date, I find myself getting very uneasy.  Most of my surgeries have taken place at Howard County General Hospital - less than six blocks from my home.  If I need something, my husband can just run it up to me in a flash.  If he wanted to, he could walk it over.  If I get scared or lonely, I can ask him or the boys to come up.  If I forgot something, home is two minutes from me.  This time, my surgery will take place at St. Agnes Hospital in Baltimore; a good 45 minutes away from me. I don't like to think about how far away I'll be from my family.  I've been there before, but for a short stay. This stay will be a week long.   Rob is stressed about being so far away from me.  We kind of like being with each other.  I like being with my sons.  They're cool people.

As I type I find myself getting very stressed. Still, I feel the need to get it out. I have to admit that I am very scared.  Today, I go to the vampire to get blood-work done. Then, the morning of surgery, I get more blood-work done; a type and cross. You know, in case I need a transfusion.  I've never had one before. Due to the fact that the last time I had this surgery, I nearly bled-out on the table, they're making sure they have enough O+ to have on hand.  This surgery will take four to eight hours.  Rob jokes that he doesn't know what to do with himself while he waits.  He doesn't sit well. I'm kind of hoping that Aaron and Alex will come with us, but they most likely will have to work.  I told Rob to bring his laptop.  I hate to think of him waiting alone and being so scared. It breaks my heart.
It's sinking in now just how major this surgery will be. I don't want Rob to worry, but he will. I pray that he will find strength.  He will.  He always does. I'm married to the most amazing man on this earth. He's sat in the waiting room for me countless times, and every time I awaken from surgery, he's there, supporting and comforting me in the sweet way that only he can.  I want him to find comfort,too.  He needs it. He deserves it. As much as I am cared for by him, I ache that I can't give him comfort while I'm under. I hate it.

I worry that I've had so many surgeries.  Still, I just want to not only feel better, but I want this poison out of my body.  It's done horrible things to me.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; if you ever find yourself in a situation where your bladder is leaking, please... PLEASE; don't get a bladder sling.  Pads are so easy.  Yeah, they're bulky and it's a pain to use them, but it so much better than having the sling mesh ruin your body.It affects so many aspects of your life. The pain is incredible.  It affects everything within the family.  I have to say, throughout this ordeal, I've learned that my husband and sons are strong people. It's not an easy thing to live with - for anyone.  I have always been proud of my circle, but I've seen them go through this shit with me and it's not easy on them. I've seen marriages crumble and fall apart because of the problems that come with this. Loss of consortium is the major problem. It means that the mesh prevents couples from having intimacy. It also means a woman has a limited ability to provide care to her family. A marriage needs to be strong to survive this.  I'm lucky.  Blessed.  I pray that my doctor can successfully remove this mesh so that my husband and I can finally begin to enjoy an intimate lifestyle, again.  If I can save just one person from ruining her - and her families lives - by speaking so openly, then it's worth a bit of embarrassment. When I tell people what kind of surgery I'm having, every single one of them says, "Oh! Like those commercials for the trans-vaginal mesh lawsuits I see on TV all of the time?"

Yep. Those are the ones.

As I type, it's now 3:58 am. Not a bit sleepy.  My mind is racing.  I have so much to do before Thursday.  Rob is off tomorrow.  I want to spend the day with him and the boys. A few chores; I want to leave them with a clean house and make sure that they have meals to get them through the next week.  I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of fast food will be consumed. I just want things to run smoothly for them.

 I'll find her and become reacquainted with her, again.
Well, I'm in a bit of pain so I think I'll go do a bit of meditation. Honestly, that's helped a bunch.  I do it my way. I don't follow any kind rules.  I pray my own way.  I have a really good friendship with God.  I am BFFs with Mother Earth. The three of us hang out a lot.

I haven't blogged in eons.  I've wanted to but quite frankly I just haven't felt up to it.  I love to write and that makes me a bit sad that I haven't wanted to. I started writing a few projects about a year ago that I haven't touched.  I finally had an idea for the sequel to The Emerald Path, but again, I had to put it on hold.  I did manage to scribble - yes, with a pen and sheet of actual paper - a few thoughts and ideas.  At least they didn't get lost in a Percocet fog.

I thank you for reading. Thanks for your shoulders. I'm not a bit ashamed of anything that I've disclosed, here. It does feel great to get it out, even if it is here on the blog. If you're thinking of me on Thursday, maybe add a prayer for me?  Add one for my doctor? Pray for my groom and for my sons.  Send a bit of healing light my way?  I do appreciate it, and thank you with love and light.

I promise to update when I can.

Until then,