Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Really?

I keep repeating that word.  Over and over.  To myself.  To my kids.  To my spouse.

Really?

When does this medical shit ever END?  Does it? Will it? Can it?

It's just ridiculous, now.  Embarrassing.

A while back, I was recovering nicely from my third InterStim surgery. Things were finally going well. Then BOING. That's right; BOING.  What felt like a guitar string snapping inside me has totally turned me around.  I don't sleep at night - again.  I can't lie on my bed.  I'm back to taking pain meds.  I'm bleeding every day.

I saw my doc and he did a pelvic exam.  Wait; let me rephrase that:  He tried to do a pelvic exam.  The pain was so bad that I almost passed out.  He told me that I was still bleeding.  He told me that he was very concerned.  He explained that though he tried, he could not do a thorough enough exam because of my pain levels.  He is pretty sure that something has torn inside of me.  As much as I tried to listen, all I heard was "torn."  He knows me pretty well and made sure that I heard what he was saying. I cried.

Really?

So now what?
Doncha know sarcasm when ya hear it (Said in my best Lucy Van Pelt voice)?

"Let's do another pelvic.  A very thorough one.  Under general anesthesia."

Really?

I was asked if I needed more pain pills.  I said I didn't. I had some at home.  I knew the drill; go home, wait for the surgical coordinator to call me. So, after telling my husband this story, who, by the way, is just as worried, sad, disgusted, and scared as I am, I did that.

I got a call today.  April 24th.

Really?

I told the coordinator that that was a long way off.  I hung up and cried.  But not for long.  I let my husband know.  He wasn't happy at all.  I called my doc's office back.  Had I known it would take that long to get this done, I would have taken that prescription.  But I know that there is no way on God's green earth that I can wait that long.  This pain is wicked.  I'm bleeding.  Bleeding enough to worry my doc.  I told the coordinator this.

I got a call back immediately.  My doc wants her to see if the hospital (they were going to do this in the office surgical suite) can fit me in sometime next week.  That still seems like such a long time to have to endure this stuff.  What can I do?  Hurt and bleed.  Bleed and hurt.  Take pain meds that I detest and make me a blubbering idiot - a blubbering idiot that can take the pain, though.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is for a pelvic exam.  A flippin' pelvic exam; an exam millions of women get every day that takes maybe 45 seconds. I can't even do a pelvic exam right.

So, now I wait. Again.  Will need more pre-op testing. Again. Forgive me for whining.  I've whined a lot for the past two years.  I've tried to put on a positive smile, and, for the most part, I am a very positive person. It's getting a bit harder to smile these days.  Life is so short.  I want to do so much.  I'll get there, but the road is rough. Meditation helps.  But not enough, right now.  I'm so looking forward to the day when I am asked how I'm doing and I can honestly say, "Great."

Really?

Until next time,

Peace.




Saturday, January 31, 2015

Jenner

I've been thinking about Bruce Jenner for quite a while.  I  have watched the show about his family a grand total of three times.  I really don't care about those K's.  I really don't care about Bruce Jenner, per se.  Still, I find myself in deep thought about his current situation.  He's become a joke to the media.  I find that really sad.

He won my heart during the 1976 Olympics, winning gold for the decathlon.  He was beautiful; in sport and off the field,  and I just admired him.

Wish I had held onto this.
I was caught up, even at the young age of ten, in all of the Jenner stardom.  I had The Box.  I ate the Wheaties, and kept the empty box and tacked it onto my bedroom wall, alongside my poster of John Denver.

Soon, though, like every other idol, I lost interest.  I took the box down and put it into my bedroom closet and replaced it with Shaun Cassidy wallpaper.  That didn't mean my admiration for Bruce was gone.  Hardly.  I just kind of forgot about him.

His name was always out there, though, and when he was in the news or being interviewed, I would usually stop to listen, then just go about my day.  It was like, "Oh yeah, Bruce Jenner?  He was so awesome in '76!"  Always a fan - but from afar.

I completely lost track of him after that.  I married, and had kids.  No real mention of him except once in a while during the Olympics.  "Who could forget that day in 1976?"  kind of stuff.  Then the Internet was born and the entire globe changed in how it communicated.  And suddenly there was no privacy.  And everyone's skeletons were now out.  And nobody was sheltered. Now tabloids were not just a thing you saw at the check-out counter.  With a click of your mouse, you could get the ugliest stories about almost anyone, instantly.

And then, the "reality-TV" show was born. Perhaps it started with MTV's "The Real World"  and yes, I got totally into the first two seasons of that.  It soon became the same story, though, and I lost interest.  The cable networks did not.  Suddenly, every other show was about people either being forced to live together, or about famous families.  I watched "The Osbournes" for a few seasons, but that too became predictable. Then the Kardashian family got their show.  I had no flippin' idea who those people were.  Why are they so famous? I didn't get it.  Then I read that Bruce Jenner was on this show. Why would he be a part of a show like this?  So I watched it.  Ah-ha.  So that's why.  Okay, so he married into this family.  I could not watch anymore.  I was instantly disgusted by these people and turned it off.  And suddenly, the Kardashians were everywhere.

If we fast-forward a few years, we'll find that Bruce is suddenly in the "news" and quite a lot. Not for anything to do with his Olympic past, but because of the dynamics of his family, mainly between he and his wife, Kris Jenner, nee Kardashian.  Then talk of how his appearance was changing.  Is he wearing eye-liner?  Did he get his eyebrows waxed a bit too thin?  And then the media went crazy with this "story".  Even so far as putting his face on the cover of a major rag mag and photo-shopping make up on his face.

I'll just stop there.  Now, here is my take on Bruce Jenner.  Leave him alone.  I can't imagine how he feels right now.  I can't imagine how he's felt all throughout all of his life.  I don't know the man, so I can't put that into words.  What I can't fathom is having to hide who you are.  Can you imagine  living your life, and having to put on airs because others can't accept who you truly are?  I can't.  Many people have had to do this; hiding who they are. I don't care who you are; rich and famous, down and out, the girl-next-door, a relative or my physician.  Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people could just support each other in their choices?

It's in the news that Bruce Jenner is about to come-out as a woman in transition.  Yes, this may shock some.  I'll be honest; at first, it did take me by surprise.  But, I got over it and he will soon be a she.  It's 2015, folks.  Can't we all just support each other?  I believe he knew from birth that he was not in the right body.  People may fight me on that.  Religion will be thrown in. "God doesn't make mistakes."  Bruce Jenner is not a mistake, and neither are all of our transsexual and transgendered neighbors.  Love thy neighbor.

I really have no use for any of the Kardashians, but I have to admit that when I saw Kim on ET recently talking about Bruce, I was really impressed with how she not only dealt with the interviewer, but she really seemed to be supporting her step-father.  My respect for her inched up a bit.  Very nice, Kim.


Anyway, I support him in his journey to find his way.  My admiration and respect has not changed.  In fact, I'd say it's increased quite a bit.  I haven't decided on if I'll watch his series on his transformation or not.  I want to believe that this is a serious look into how a person goes about making this change.  Yes, there will the the haters and the trolls, but I believe that he can overlook them and continue to pursue the person he truly is; a great one.

Good luck, Bruce.